Everyone knows that Ebay is a great way to live the American Dream and get rich quick… but it’s also an excellent source of entertainment!
An Ebay seller is usually a disgruntled sort, because they are already selling a product for half its retail value. On top of this, they get additional ass-rapeage in the form of Ebay and Paypal fees. Still, they’re Corporate Fat Cats who don’t deserve the money for their work, and must be dealt with.
Here are some sure-fire tips on ways to piss off an Ebay seller… Because hey, they deserve it!
1. Be a Cheap Bastard
This is a prerequisite for any Ebay Buyer. You don’t want to be bothered with retail prices, because dammit you’re an American. If you’re on Ebay then you’re looking for a bargain, and you want to get new quality name-brand merchandise for a quarter of its value. That’s what Ebay is all about!
Be sure to tell all of the sellers that their products are overpriced (even though everything is less than the cheapest retailer). Try to strike a bargain with them. If they won’t reduce their price, then make them pay for shipping! Be sure to inquire about buying the product for less than the opening bid, especially if they have a “Buy it now” price listed.
2. Be sure to tell your life story
Every seller on Ebay is a person, right? People are compassionate and will certainly be swayed by your personal story of how your stepmother’s dog “lifted his leg” onto your boyfriend’s computer and fried the motherboard, and how you need a new one but are on a fixed income and can’t pay until the 1st of the month. Nevermind how you have a stepmother AND a boyfriend… or how you’re able to ebay without a computer…
Sellers like these stories, and they certainly value these stories over paying their mortgages.
3. Be sure to let your personal life interfere with the transaction
When you actually win an item, make those seller bastards squirm a little. Say that you “forgot to pay your car” and that you’ll pay them next Friday. What are they gonna do, cry to their momma?
There’s nothing the seller CAN do! They’re stuck with you, at least for a week or so. Sellers can’t cancel the transaction or complain to Ebay for a certain amount of time… and it would actually cost them more money to re-list the item!
If you actually get a seller who knows what they’re doing then they may try to cancel the transaction for any number of valid reasons, but it takes a few days to resolve this… so snipe them by sending the money via PayPal and then they have a ton of crap to deal with! Now the seller has to send you the item or return your money via PayPal; and NOW they have an extra listing to cancel, and they have to retract their complaint with Ebay like a little bitch!
4. Always contact the seller and offer to “buy it now” for less than half of the opening bid.
This goes hand in hand with being a Cheap Bastard. Sellers expect certain ethnicities to be ruthlessly cheap (you know who you are), and they love to hear from their South Asian friends.
Here’s a little secret that not everyone knows: Ebay sellers LOVE to haggle! If a seller is listing a product that’s worth $800, but is still losing his shirt by selling it for $450, then offer to take it off their hands for $250, and insist that they pay shipping. Extra points if you do this on the first day the product is listed, and get in their head by telling them there’s no way they’re going to sell their product. You’re the customer, and the customer is always right, right?
On the next page we show you 5 more tips to disgruntle those Bastards…