Welcome to the Wrath of El Pato, the column that tries to make sense of something and it makes less sense! Today, we are going to look at the compilation of Final Fantasy VII and just how confusing Square/Enix has made this great game. Along the way, I assure you you will find this collumn a gaudy and confusing mess, but that’s ok. You can extract small kernals of a pissed off Pato for your own personal enjoyment.
Just for the sake of argument, I’ll say it right now-“The Compilation of Final Fantasy VII” has been the biggest letdown since, well, I would have to say Square’s Summer of Adventure. SoA was supposed to be the greatest three months of gamers’ lives with the release of a disappointing sequel to Secret of Mana (considered one of the greatest RPG’s ever made), some unnamed over hyped RPG, and Chrono Cross, the over-rated sequel to Chrono Trigger (which is considered to be one of the greatest games ever made).
So far we got a handful of titles, most of which I will go into here, one of them superior, one of them good, but a disappointment, and the rest-pure crap.
But first before we get into this:
If you have NOT played FFVII or Crisis Core or anything else related, the stories will go into full detail here, much will be talked about. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you haven’t played FFVII, STOP READING AND GO PLAY IT. It’s good, really.
Ok, now that that’s outta the way.
I am going to go, through a few major scenarios that have been a part of this whole FFVII thing and show you how this compilation has created more plot holes than Chrono Cross’s backstory.
Plot Hole #1-Tseng of the Turks: Tseng doesn’t really make much sense at all with his new personality in the extension of FFVII. How? Because Square/Enix tried to turn him face. They tried to make him a guy who would deep down be a good guy.
Hey wait…didn’t he bitch slap Aerith after kidnapping her AND help Reno bomb Sector 7?…within five minutes of one another? Given that if they even thought of what happened in Crisis Core Tseng wouldn’t have been a complete moron and taunted Cloud and co. while he HAS Aerith in his custody. You would think that with what he saw from the events of CC, he would be doing his job, saying, “Tough sh*t,” and that would be it. Apparently somewhere he just drops all logic in his character and decides to become a Vice bad-guy of sorts-utterly evil.
Another thing that doesn’t make any sense at all is the fact that Last Order says that Tseng is behind the whole ordeal in bringing Zach/Cloud in.
What the hell? That goes completely against what was said in CC and in FFVII. In FFVII it is made apparent that Zack is killed on his entrance in Midgar by the Shinra troops while Cloud is left for dead.
Last Order dictates that Tseng was getting the two fugitives by any means necessary which actually makes more sense to Tseng as a character.
Well if that was it, this whole thing would be ok. However, in Crisis Core they turn around and have the Turks ordered to bring the two in alive, while the Shinra Millitary is acting on it’s own to kill them. HUH? Since when did military insurrection become a common theme in Midgar? Wouldn’t Turk orders or SOLDIER orders for that matter take precedence over what the military said? And don’t tell me lack of communication, those guys got cell phones on them, so SOMEONE had to give the order.
Final word: Last Order makes more sense in the fact that it makes Tseng as a complete ass at the end. Crisis Core f*cks the whole thing up by trying to have Tseng redeem himself. News flash: TSENG CAN’T REDEEM HIMSELF! He bitch slaps Aerith at the beginning of FFVII when he kidnaps her, not to mention he makes it very clear he doesn’t give a damn about anyone outside of his Turk buddies. The little subplot where it’s hinted that Tseng is in love with Aerith is not even up for debate, as I have no clue how much further out of character the writers could put him.
Plot Hole #2- Cissnei: Who is this broad and where did the writers come up with her? Originally without a name at all, Cissnei becomes Crisis’s Core’s calculating dame that has a crush on Zach and goes against all Turk orders to keep Zack safe. Uh, alright. Towards the end we learn that Cissnei isn’t even her real name-yeah, whatever. Why the hell are you taking such an insignificant character like Cissnei, then giving her some backstory so mysterious as not knowing her real name? Lets not really get into the fact that there is no illusions towards us knowing her real name, or us even caring about her past. This is just another backstory that is forced down our throats that I GUARENTEE will not be resolved. Don’t get me wrong, the biggest problem of this compilation is that they aren’t introducing anybody worth their salt into the story and shoving current characters down our throats. But Cissnei is the most clichéd character I came across. No one cares about Cissnei.
Final word: Cissnei will be forgotten somewhere in between Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core III and Final FantasyVII: Aerith’s porn IX
Plot Hole #3- Characters that are F*CKING DEAD need to stay dead: I’ll admit, video game storylines are similar to a comic book, but there are some characters that need to friggen die already. Subject 1: Rufus Shinra- I don’t know about the physics of Gaia, I mean there are small balls that make you summon a dragon that nukes a planet, but I am pretty sure after spending 30+hours there, when Diamond Weapon fires off a buncha blasts that ignite the whole building and destroy everything in site…the f*cker in it’s path is dead. Case in point: Rufus. After it is VERY clear that he is dead, how in Zeus’s BUTTHOLE does he survive? I don’t care if he is in a wheelchair or not, he should be a carcass in the lifestream. How did the Turks rescue him? They were leaving the building while he is stranded on the 70th floor dieing. I mean no one would be, or should be walking. I’m pretty sure after awhile everyone would be dead. Let’s not forget that meteor shows up and demolishes the building he gets fried in. All evidence to the contrary-Rufus should have died. Everyone else kicked the bucket after Hojo’s “death”. I can understand someone say, Tseng surviving (as I am reiterating the events of Advent children), but Rufus? Leave him dead for Christ’s sake. Subject 2: Hojo-nothing really says much about someone being dead than me doing three pretty hard boss battles against Sephiroth’s daddy. How the hell is he able to upload himself into a computer in Dirge of Cerberus? It doesn’t work! He’s DEAD! You watch him DIE! I don’t know how much those guys gotta invest in killing him, how could he survive getting his ass kicked three times subsequently? OH WAIT! He had *just enough* time to upload his brain into The World Network. What follows is something so confusing I wonder why the writers even bothered bringing him back for Dirge of Cereberus. This isn’t a character that needs to live! Why not have Scarlet survive? She was a conniving bitch and all we saw was Prod Clod self destruct. Better yet, the storyline from Cereberus that involves Hojo’s brain seems better conceived for somebody like Hollander, especially when we were just starting to hate him in Crisis Core (gee, there’s a novel idea). For future games in the FFVII storyline, come up with new villains, don’t sit there and get your ****s hard with us hating Sephiroth more, he’s a scumbag. At least they got Hollander, but even then they f*cked his backstory up.
Final Word: There was a better way to make villains. Rufus’s place in Crisis Core easily could have been Tseng or someone else. Hojo didn’t need to show up in DoC, but then again DoC didn’t even need to come out, so what do I know?
Plot Hole #4- WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED IN NIBELHEIM?????
We have, counting, three different scenarios on what the hell happened in Cloud’s hometown when Sephiroth went apesh*t and roasted the place. For the sake of argument, let’s look at all of them.
The first (and obvious one) was what happened in the original FFVII. Cloud was a private in the military, Zack was the SOLDIER 1st class sent to help Sephy, and Sephy went nuts. After finding out about the Jenova project and that he was produced from it, he thinks he is an ancient and sets off to retrieve Jenova. In the ensuing chaos he sets Nibelheim on fire, puts a life threatening gash across Tifa’s chest, kicks Zack’s ass and is then stabbed by Cloud in Jenova’s chamber. Cloud runs out of Jenova’s chamber, back to the incubator room and put’s Tifa somewhere safe. Sephiroth walks out of the chamber with Jenova’s head, glares at Cloud and leaves. Zack orders Cloud to finish him off, and Cloud does just that.
Now read closely: Cloud leaves the incubator room and goes out to the center of the reactor, which beneath a bridge is a bunch of Mako energy. Sephiroth stabs Cloud, Cloud shrugs Sephiroth off and tosses him into the Mako below. Then FFVII plays out.
Well Crisis Core pretty much plays out the same events though a few things are vague. 1: Cloud tosses Sephiroth into the Mako IN Jenova’s chamber. Where this is, is another story altogether, but Cloud does in fact kick Sephiroth’s ass. 2: In the original, Tifa finds her father dead on the bridge outside the incubation room, she announces how much she hates everything Shinra and gets her gash by Sephiroth. Well in CC Tifa in fact is able to tell Zach how much she hates everything after her gash. This seems a bit far fetched as that she wasn’t even moving at this point and most likely going into shock. Not to mention it sounds better having her do it BEFORE confronting Sephy, since her Dad just got ultimately destroyed and all. So aside from Sephiroth’s glare of Cloud getting the best of him (which actually makes more sense story-wise), it pretty much follows the events as of earlier, though they are a bit confusing and some things did in fact get ret-conned.
Last Order seems to drop all logic out the window and give us a third set of events to read. While most of what happened in CC happens in LO, Sephiroth WILLINGLY jumps into the Mako below, IN Jenova’s chamber. He tells his mom that it is time to go into the lifestream (oh yeah and he just somehow knows that that IS the lifestream below him and he can manipulate it). This of course makes no sense because Sephiroth sleeps within the planet getting out of dieing he even thought it was over when Cloud tossed him over in the original. Not to mention that Cloud doesn’t dump his ass off into it in LO, he just bashes him against a wall, and Sephiroth shows no sign of injury. Make matters worse it doesn’t happen on the bridge (a dumb thing shared with CC).
location continuity is obviously of no concern to the writers here. Sephiroth’s glare or showing just how wounded he is was a big part of the scene in FFVII, as a grunt like Cloud wasn’t able to do jack sh*t until he got pissed. It also ties up the end of Cloud not knowing what happened initially. Cloud admits “By means of skill I couldn’t have killed him” which sets the events for the whole first friggen disc! I am willing to put that aside, but we once again see how this compilation can’t follow itself as we have two different ways the scenes played out. HUH? Lets put aside the fact there is that much un-needed boss battle with Sephiroth (*groan*) and we have three different ways the damn game worked this out.
Last word: So did anyone get all this rambling?: Probably not, I can’t put it into words. But I can figure one thing, This compilation is making my head spin on how the damn story of FFVII is working. They are retconning the original, then turning around and retconning their new story. What the hell? Stick with something! Why must it be this difficult? They are gonna have to remake the thing. That is nothing more than when rather than if. It’s increasingly obvious that we will see a remake of FFVII sooner or later, in fact I would not be surprised to see the announcement of the remake at this year’s E3. That would be the only way, retcon the original with your remake on how everything is supposed to work. Nothing wrong with that. The original’s storyline is broken anyways.
No news comments, I am off to bed. Hope all that made sense, and if it didn’t well my sincere apologies. Later