I’m going to piss a few people off with this one. I don’t care. I have 20+ years as an avid vampire horror fan, and I know my shit. I know that vampires are not sex-symbols to most, goth community aside, and I know they aren’t meant to be loving. They are supposed to rip your damned neck skin off and drink that hot blood that bursts out. So to everyone who is on Eddie Cullen’s vagina, this is for you. Screw you.
This is a rant about why I have officially given up on common sense prevailing in the horror genre. I picked up a copy of Entertainment Weekly the other day and was disgusted to see that Eddie Cullen was on the cover with the title “20 Greatest Vampires Of All Time”. There have been hundreds of vampires in the cinema since Bella Lugosi came out of his coffin as the horrific Dracula. I can’t imagine Pansy Cullen being on such a distinguished list in any real world scenario.
I was pissed off to begin with that Selene (Kate Beckinsale’s “Underworld” character) was number 19 on the list. Are you serious? This means that a fruity little bastard with no pubes comes under a crazy, neck-biting bitch that shoots the crap out of werewolves for a living. This was when I knew that I was not going to be happy with the rest of this magazine. Number 18 was Countess Bathory. Okay, in real life, Elizabeth Bathory wasn’t a vampire, but she did bathe in the blood of virgins nightly to stay young. She was a real-life psychopath. The Twilight Twat actually came before her. Seriously?
Number 17 was one of my instant favorites. Eli from the Swedish film “Let The Right One In”. This was a chilling movie that hooked me from the beginning. Definately better than Cullen by a long shot. WTF is going on here?
Holy Mother Of Jesus! Number 16 was BLADE!!!! I should honestly slice throats over this. Blade is the shit, no way around it. Better than Selene, better than Eli, just under Dracula. WAY BETTER THAN THAT FRUIT CULLEN!!!! To hell with you, Entertainment Weekly. I hope your whole writing staff dies. Can you believe they put David (Kiefer Sutherland’s “Lost Boys” Vamp) above Blade? Number 14. He’s not that badass, but he’s way more hardcore than you-know-who-go-screw-yourself. I don’t even want to mention Number 13, Laurell Hamilton’s vampire-porn novel. Unmentionable trash, just like Twilight.
At Number 10, Gary Oldman played a rather sexy Dracula. I was able to look beyond his Playgirl-esque appearance to see that he was definitely in tune with the Dracula character. Once again, a vampire that comes in lengths above Cullen. And Oldman didn’t sparkle!! At Number 9 was Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot” character Mr. Barlow. Reading the story scared the shit out of me, but when they brought him to film, I was enthralled. He still came in under that pussy Eddie. Damn.
This is when things start going down the crapper in a big hurry. Angel. Half viscous vamp, half wuss. Might as well have Swayze playing a vampire for Christ’s sake. Angel came in at Number 6, right where he belonged. Anyplace but first place. Next was Number 5, those two Ken dolls from True Blood. They bite people, sure. Cool. Pussies? Definately. Fuck ’em. And fuck Number 4 most of all. Edward “Testicle Nibbler” Cullen comes in at Number 4. I am so damned happy that he isn’t number one that I got in a good mood almost instantaneously. I can now sleep peacefully for a few nights.
Bela Lugosi comes in at Number 3. Good. He’s awesome. Everyone bow to the original, scary as shit Dracula. Number One, Numbero Uno. Was Lestat from Interview with the Vampire. Anne Rice was a little pissed off when she found out that the crazy Scientologist whack-job was going to be playing the part, and even claimed he would do a shitty job. Afterward, she took it all back. That’s because Tom Cruise tore that shit up and created a very crazy and blood-thirsty vampire for the film adaptation of the novel. I will agree that he is awesome and deserves to be high on the list. But no, not number one. There is no number one when it comes to vampires. There are definately candy asses, like our feminine friend Eddie. But when it comes to greatness, vampires deserve to be portrayed as the badasses they are. Murderous and unafraid. Unloving and Uncaring. Vampires are evil, not sexy. Evil can be sexy, but it doesn’t work the other way around. So everyone who is hanging on Stephanie Meyer’s nutsack can let go now. You are degrading an entire genre and should be put in front of a firing squad. I’ve said my peice. Now everyone go watch a real vampire movie and leave Twilight on the shelf next to the box set of 90210 and all those Brat Pack movies. Twats.