Jokes for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Ok, so September is International Talk LIke a Pirate Day.* Here’s some freakin’ pirate jokes!

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It?s rated AARRRRGGH!

What’s a pirate’s favorite mode of transportation?
A cAARRRR!

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
arrrr

What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of socks?
arrrrgyle

What is a pirates favorite study subject?
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

What’s a pirate’s second-choice job?
an arrrrrrchitect!

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship’s wheel down the front of your pants?”
And the pirate says…
Aaargh, it’s driving me nuts!!

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. “oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?” the kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer


what’s a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
ships ahoy

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
captain hooky!

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird ****!”
“Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”
What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve!
What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates!

Alan is a web architect, stand-up comedian, and your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi. You can stalk him on the Interwebs via Google+, Facebook and follow his ass on Twitter @ocmodshop.