Computer Support Fees by Incident

     New Support Fees by Incident
     ———————————–

     Calling me with a question — $10

     Calling me with a stupid question — $20

     Calling me with a stupid question you can’t quite articulate – $30

     Implying I’m incompetent because I can’t interpret your inarticulate
     problem description – $1000 + punitive damages

     Questions received via phone without first trying help desk – $10.00

     Questions where answer is in TFM – $100.00

     Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once – $100

     Insisting that you’re not breaking the software, the problem is on my
     end somehow – $200

     Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem – $5/step

     Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem – $50/mile +
     gas

     If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else’s
     problem – $45/hr

     If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now – $50/hr

     If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it – $60/hr

     If you’ve come to ask me why something isn’t working that I’m
     currently working on – $70/hr

     If you’re asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday –
     $75/hr

     If you’re asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but
     never did fix – $85/hr

     If you’re asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn’t work
     – $95/hr

     If you’re bugging me while there’s another admin in the room who could
     have done it for you – $150/hr

     Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
     immediately after hanging up the phone – $1500.00

     Calling up with a problem which “everybody” in the office is having
     and which is “stopping all work.” Not being there when I rush over to
     look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. –
     $1700.00

     Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning
     it’s your personal machine at home – $500.00

     Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do – $150.00

     Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
     not to do – $300.00

     Not telling all of your co-workers about it – $850.00

     Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive – $50.00

     AFTER I order your replacement hard drive – $250.00

     Fixing your “broken” mouse with a mousepad – $25.00

     Fixing your “broken” optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees
     – $35.00

     Fixing a “broken” mouse by cleaning the rollers – $50.00

     Fixing your “broken” printer with an ink/toner cartridge – $35.00

     Fixing your “broken” ANYTHING with the power button – $250.00

     Fixing the “crashed” system by turning the external disk back on –
     $200.00

     Fixing the “hung” system by plugging the ethernet transceiver back in
     – $375.00

     Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord
     someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the ‘real’
     sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation – $400

     Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the
     monitor lead back in – $50

     Explaining that you can’t log in to some server because you don’t have
     an account there – $10

     Explaining that you don’t have an account on the machine you used to
     have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above
     server – $500

     Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger –
     $25

     Changing memory partitions without informing me first – $50

     Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first –
     $100 per program


     Technical support for the above programs – $150 per hour (regardless
     of whether I know the program or not :))

     Spilling coke on keyboard – $25 plus cost of keyboard

     Spilling coke on monitor – $50 plus cost of monitor

     Spilling coke on CPU – $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly
     rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

     Leaving files on desktop – $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left
     unclaimed

     Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve – $50 plus cost of sleeve plus
     cost of therapy :)

     Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix
     a brand new machine – $200

     Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus – $25

     Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC
     streets – $50

     Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and
     another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say…
      “So that’s what the little box that popped up on my screen was
     telling me to do!” – $40

     Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see
     if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five
     other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you
     drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, “Oops. Nevermind.” – $35
     (including discount for polite apology)

     Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software –
     $25

     Dealing with “How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated
     software]?  Mine just died.”  requests – $45

     Having to use the “We’re really not the best people to talk to about
     that; why don’t you try calling  the number on the box in which you
     bought it?” line – $55

     Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to
     get the hint in the previous response – $95 (includes instructions for
     getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

     Having to point out anything that’s on the wall in a typeface larger
     than 18 points – $15

     If I wrote the sign – $45

     If it’s in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
     facing the door – $75

     Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive
     in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem –
     $25.00

     Reporting it more than once – $50.00

     Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech
     support’s inability to solve problem – $200.00

     Beeper Prices:
     —————
     Beeping me when I’m out with the significant other – $50

     Beeping me when I’m out of town and I took pains to insure that help
     files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all
     machines before I left – $100

     Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer’s offline and
     the fix is to press the On Line button – $200

     Beeping me more than once while I’m asleep – $50 per beep

     Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds –
     $25

     Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call
     / hoped I would forget who caused the problem – $500

     Special Rates:
     —————–
     Dealing with user body odor – $75.00/hour

     Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at
     site – $50.00/hour

     Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but
     still calls every other day for help – $100.00/hour

     Dealing with computer hobbiests – $125.00/hour

     Questioning the other prices ……………………………$50

Alan is a web architect, stand-up comedian, and your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi. You can stalk him on the Interwebs via Google+, Facebook and follow his ass on Twitter @ocmodshop.