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It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room-temperature.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


Sacred cows make the best burgers.


Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.


Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.


Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich.


No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.


For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.


The trouble with life is, you’re half way through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.


“You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.”


When the cat’s away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.


The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.


If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies!


No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.


Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.


What’s the speed of dark?


Can I yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse??


How did a fool and his money GET together?

“The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday Nights.” – Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.


In the force if Yoda’s so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can’t he?

“When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not” – Yoda

Ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put! – Yoda’s High School English teacher.

The force is like Duct Tape – it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together!

“I have a very bad feeling about this.” – Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, C3PO

Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will.

Princess Leia: @(-_-)@

“Bones! Help this man, he’s injured!” “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor not a … oh, ummm, yeah.”  


He’s DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I’ll get his wallet.  


“He’s BREAD, Jim.” – McCoy after a tragic transporter accident while visiting planet Pillsbury.   


“He’s DEAD, Jim. Get his ears.” – Spock   


“He’s ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?”   


“He’s DEAD, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served”   


“Scotty, beam us aboard”. “Aye, sir. Will a 2×4 do?”   


“Logic has nothing to do with it, it’s just lust.” – Spock the pimp   


Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim   


To HELL with the Prime Directive…. FIRE!!! – Kirk   


AAAAAGGGGHHHH” – Any “Classic” Star Trek Security officer sometime during the show.   


“Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes…” – Kirk   


Don’t let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the ‘Captain’s Log’   


Spock to Kirk at his annual review: “I’m tired or wearing the same shirt and I can’t afford a good haircut.” 


Kirk: To heck with the Prime Directive, I want to sleep with that girl!


“Captain, I cannot believe my ears!” – Spock


Captain Kirk, meet my father. He’s Dad, Jim.                          


Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb. “Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die.”

“Reality is for people who can’t handle Star Trek.”

“Tired of your clothes sticking to you like glue? Use statis stopper for klingons!!”

You’ve just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You’ve fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and you’re exhausted! Now comes LOG time. You deserve more than just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN’S LOG!

WHAT is your name? “Captain Jean-Luc Picard” WHAT is your quest? “I seek the Holy Grail” WHAT is the average velocity of a Bird of Prey?
“Romulan or Klingon?” I…..I don’t know AAAAAHHHHH!

Real Klingons don’t use .signature files.

Star trekkin’ across the Universe, boldly going forward; ‘cuz we can’t find reverse!

A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.

All right who’s been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?

Beat me, whip me, make me write Tribble taglines.

Beverly can turn Data off but only Tasha can turn him on.

Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye!

“Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows?” – Worf

“Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here?” – Odo

“Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”

<-*-o-*-o-*-o-*-o-*— Tribble & onion kabob.

And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh…

Borg-Cola : Not the choice of The Next Generation.

BorgDOS 5.0: Assimilate another (Y/N)?

Borger King: “Have it our way, your way is irrelevant”

Clinton Borg “Inhaling is irrelevant”

Cloak captioned for the Romulan impaired.

“Distance is irrelevant” – Pythagoras of Borg

Ensign Singer… Make it sew.

Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution….

“Hey, Worf! I hooked Data up to a Modem… wanna see?”

How come I can never find Troi when I’m mad at her?

I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ….ooooh donuts!

I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What’s up, Collective?

How do I set my Laser printer to “Stun”?

I can’t believe it. I’ve heard of this disease. – Beverly

“I said Crusher, NOT Crush her!” – Worf to his brother Kurn.

Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?

McBorg’ers: Over 1,000,000 assimilated.

Mister Worf, show these children the airlock. – Picard

Mr. Worf, fire at will. ** ZAP! ** Hey, where’d Riker go?

Strangely, Data finds himself relating to heavy metal.

The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T-shirt

We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.

“Cry on someone else’s shoulder, I’m off-duty.” – Troi

A drunk Borg – Resistant as floor tile.

Honk if you’ve slept with Riker.

“Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will”


Defect borg: “Refutile is sistance; your ass will be simulated.


Original Pentium of Borg: “Division is futile – your decimels will be approximated.”


Captain, could I play some jazz?” — “Make it soul, No. 1


* <—- Tribble . <—TRIBBLE.ZIP


“Ensign, fire at will” “Ah, captain, I’d rather fire at Wesley!” 

Alan is a web architect, stand-up comedian, and your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi. You can stalk him on the Interwebs via Google+, Facebook and follow his ass on Twitter @ocmodshop.