Apparently, I'm a Real Man

That’s right, contrary to all of the evidence suggesting otherwise, I am a Real Man.

It all started this past Saturday. My wife had pre-paid for a Texas Hold-Em Poker Tournament with friends, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. Even though I had pre-registered for a LAN Party on that same day a month ago, I was expected to mingle with a bunch of people I didn’t know, go out within an hour, and be bored for the rest of the night.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

There was plenty of beer, wine, and other stuff that is barely regulated by the Federal Government. After a few glasses, I was feeling alright and started to loosen up. I was just there to enjoy the game, and if I didn’t lose all of my chips then it would be a good night.

My wife and I were at different tables, and hers was made up of aggressive players, but she called them Poker Bullies.

Each round had a time limit, and the stakes were raised after each round (each round basically doubled the Big Blind and Small Blind). Several people went out, and bought back in, but I managed to hold on to a decent amount of chips.

I basically folded whenever I had a nothing hand, and pay to see the Flop on a “maybe” hand. Of course, I bet when I had a strong opening hand, but wasn’t so aggressive as to be an asshole. If I was on a Big Blind or Small Blind, then I would only bet if I had a very strong hand. Even with this conservative strategy, I lost several hands, even when I had fairly strong hands like two pair.

Despite all of the alcohol that went into my system, I was able to hold on to a lead. At the end of the fourth round, enough players from all the other tables were eliminated so we could all fit at one table. There was one guy who could have built a little mini-city out of all the black chips he had ($1000 each). Sue said that was the Poker Bully from her table.


I don’t know how it happened, but I ended up past several more rounds, and it was just me and Mr. Poker Bully left. At this point, the Big Blind was $4000. You should have seen the stacks of black we both had. If this were real money it would have paid my mortgage for six months.

The last hand Mr. Bully went all in, which was more than I had, so I did the same. I had an Ace and a 10, and the Flop showed a King, Jack and Queen. I know I had a straight. My wife, who was sitting behind me, was asked to leave a few hands ago because her expression was totally giving away my hands.

The time came to show our cards, and my opponent had two pair of Kings and 10s. I flipped mine over to reveal my straight, and he pushed his chips towards me.

Everything was a blur, but I remember being shaken, kissed, and there was a lot of yelling.

So not only did I win the tournament being a complete n00b, but I defended my wife’s honor by beating up her Bully, won a cash prize, and got front-row seats to that night’s Silvertips hockey game.

Yes, Sue couldn’t keep her hands off me. We even had to leave the game early to head back to the hotel… you know what I’m sayin’? I may have been a social misfit in high school, but that day was the equivilant of making the winning touchdown, being crowned Prom King, and nailing the Prom Queen.

Total p0wnage.

Alan is a web architect, stand-up comedian, and your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi. You can stalk him on the Interwebs via Google+, Facebook and follow his ass on Twitter @ocmodshop.