A Request from the Southern States

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

 
1) Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
 
2) Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
 
3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever — it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
 
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we’ll kick your ass.
 
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Ted Turner of Turner Broadcasting & Atlanta Braves, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Weather Channel). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton, Jesse Jackson). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to take a seat in the Senate. If she tried to do that, we would definitely have to kick her carpetbagging ass.
 
6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll kick your ass.
 
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll kick your ass.
 
8) Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended — with gravy. And don’t put sugar on your grits, or we’ll kick your ass.
 
9) Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
 
10) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern sh*tholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
 
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that’s all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your ass.
 
12) Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
 
13) Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
 
14) So you think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.
 
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You’re lucky we let you come down here at all & really lucky if we let you eat any of OUR barbecue. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Alan is a web architect, stand-up comedian, and your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi. You can stalk him on the Interwebs via Google+, Facebook and follow his ass on Twitter @ocmodshop.